Kelly Gibson's Story

I was very happy at a school on the East Rand and had loads of friends. I was doing well at school – the previous year my mom had said that if I made Junior Victrix Ludorum for both swimming and athletics she would buy me the hockey stick I had always wanted – I did it! I had represented Central Gauteng Aquatics for swimming two years in a row and had met all the school’s criteria to get my full colours blazer for swimming in Grade 10. I was also in the school’s cross country team and had recently made it into the 1st team water polo. My life couldn’t have been happier!

A friend and myself had heard that there would be a 1st team water polo tour down to Kwa Zulu Natal at the end of February 2008. Whilst we were excited to go, we had also heard rumours that we would be required to do the “Beach Run” as part of the initiation. When we heard that this involved running naked on the beach, we spoke to our local Church Pastor about the fact that we weren’t happy to do this. She (the Pastor) then phoned our Headmaster and he said that this was just a rumour and that he would speak to the teachers taking us down on tour. Based on the Headmasters assurances, my parents decided to let me go on tour.

What should have been a fun-filled weekend, landed up as hell on earth! We were told to wear ridiculous hats on the bus trip down and then, on the Friday night, we were called into the matriculant’s room and had to have our eyebrows shaved. On the Saturday the initiation continued – with us having to once again wear stupid hats, carry around toy objects (e.g. a plastic spade) and pretend to be digging imaginary ditches around the swimming pool during the tournament. Whilst these were really stupid, silly things, I could still cope with this as the three “newies” were doing this together. On the Saturday evening we were called into the matriculant’s room and told that once we had completed the Beach Run, the initiation would be over. My friend and myself refused to do this as it went against everything we believed in. We were screamed at and told that we had ruined the senior girls tour as they had waited so long to be able to initiate others into the team. We were sent to our rooms and told that we couldn’t partake in any further activities. This in itself was perhaps a God-send as the rest of the team then partook in drinking alcohol! On the Saturday night my friend phoned my mom and told her what had happened.

Kelly Gibson's Story - continued...

My friend and I were alienated from the group for the trip back home. My mom wrote the headmaster an email to tell him what had happened. He never phoned her but rather sent an email back asking for the names of the pupils who had been drinking and who had screamed at us. Reluctantly I gave my mom a few names. Then it all started – I was being called a “snitch” in the corridors, my sister (in grade 8) and I were shoved and pushed in the corridors and graffiti was written about us in the bathrooms. When my mom saw that the Headmaster was doing very little, she went to the press. The bullying became worse! Then, one afternoon when I was at hockey practice, my tog bag and school bag went missing. As my tog bag contained my school uniform, shoes etc, my mom decided to keep me at home. I missed three weeks of valuable time off school and all my school books were gone too. I think that was probably the hardest thing to deal with – far worse than being called names, or having graffiti written about me. Then they started a facebook group against me called something to the effect of “wish i was an idiot who could spoil a school’s name K.G.”. They took pictures of me in my full colours blazer, blackened out my teeth and wrote, “I r a retard” all over the picture. The abuse was surreal! Eventually, my mom said that she would move my sister and I to another school.

I must say that I would never have coped had I not had such a wonderful support structure. My family, my church, my friends, my boyfriend, my new headmistress, my belief in God, made life bearable! I could never have made it without them!

Today I am speaking out against all forms of bullying – in the hope that I can help just one person! I have appeared as a guest on 3 Talk and on a youth program called Keeping it Real. My story has also appeared in the YOU, Huisgenoot and People magazines. I will shortly be appearing on another TV program called Sistahood as well as offering talks to schools, church groups and companies, in the hope that, hearing my story, people will stop this act of belittling others!

Kelly Gibson

Pene Kimber and the initiation incident at Parktown Boys High School

I have decided to make myself clear to all on the brutal assault on my son. First, the South African Schools Act prohibits initiation practices. May I suggest that each parent who is concerned about initiation, assault, bullying or any other abuse in schools read the act.

I remind Parktown Boys' High that the act states:
• No principal, teacher or pupil may allow or participate in any act or practice that involves initiation practices or may cause or contribute to the humiliation, degradation, harassment, assault, crimen injuria, intimidation or maltreatment of pupils.
• A principal must ensure that no initiation practices take place in his or her school, including hostels, or during any school activities away from the school.

My son was brutally assaulted on February 2. His buttocks were badly bruised with open wounds from being beaten with hockey sticks, cricket bats and golf clubs. My son heard the other boys crying and screaming before it was his turn.

Deep Heat was given to the boys to rub on their genitals. (This is not something new; it is called "creaming" at Parktown Boys'.)

My son and the Grade 11 hostel pupils were warned by a master that if any of the initiation practice left the boarding house, he would f*** them up. Another master addressed all the boys the following night, saying he was sorry that he was not present at the initiation, but he did not want to see the boys crying. He told the boys that he had given the keys to access the initiation area to the head boy (who no longer is) and that if the boys discussed this initiation with any other person he could be fired.

Pene Kimber's Story - continued...

When I collected my son from the school hostel on February 6, he told me what had happened. He, too, swore me to silence. The following week I was surprised to receive an e-mail from Mr Saunders (Brent Saunders, the deputy headmaster), stating that an incident had occurred at the hostel and was being dealt with. I e-mailed him back to determine what he knew. No e-mail was returned. I then knew that something was wrong. When collecting my son on February 13 - the following Friday - I received a letter stating the pathetic punishment meted out to the Grade 12 pupils. Bearing in mind Mr Tom Clarke (the principal) feels this was more than suitable, you be the judge:
• Two hours of counselling for the Grade 12s;
• Removal of Grade 12 privileges for the first term;
• Three two-hour detentions on a Friday;
• Maintenance tasks for two weeks; and
• Final warning letter. Grade 12s were discouraged from any form of recrimination against Grade 11s.

What happened to the head boy? One month later - just one month after he got his "final warning" - he kicked a pupil down the stairs.

On the Monday morning I went to see Mr Clarke to discuss the matter as I was not happy with the telephone call I had with Mr Saunders on the Friday after receiving the letter. When speaking to Mr Clarke, he had no idea what I was talking about and made it clear to me that the school was a different institution to the hostel.

What absolute nonsense. Never once was this ever highlighted to me when enrolling my son, and why should I believe this if the school dining room is 200m from the main office?

I then called a meeting with the Grade 11 boys who had been assaulted. That meeting, too, was a waste of time, as the boys had been prepared on what to say; each pupil was saying the same thing - it made them bond with the Grade 12s. That evening, February 16, my son called me to fetch him from school as he had been victimised by the Grade 12s as they knew I was his mother.

Pene Kimber's Story - continued...

In the days after The Star published the story, I received many calls from parents at the school and past pupils. I have been horrified at the e-mails and letters sent to me written to, and from Parktown Boys'. Not to mention the letters to the Education Department that have been completely ignored for the past four years

These initiations, abuse and assaults on children at Parktown Boys' are nothing new. This is why I am prepared to make a stand to stop this criminal behaviour allowed by Mr Clarke, his teachers and masters of the hostel, with or without the support of parents.

No normal mother would allow this to happen to their child. You can't tell me that you're unaware of what is happening to your children, and that you are allowing this. You blame me for ruining your child's life and degrading Parktown Boys'. It is not me who has ruined your child's life, but the school you are willing to keep your boys in.

How can I be degrading Parktown Boys' if they themselves have been doing this for years? Your school has created its own appalling reputation of initiation and bullying. Now your boys unfortunately have to bear the consequences of their actions and be accountable for what they have done.

Do not blame me for your sons' actions. Blame the principal and masters who have taught your sons to assault. I have exposed this to benefit other children and parents who have no idea what their child could go through. I know you will support the school only because you, too, are scared of what could happen to your child. Are you a man or a mouse?

I have to bear with people threatening me on the phone and slashing my tyres. But this will not stop me.

Not only the Grade 12s, but also the principal and the three masters must be made accountable and suffer the consequences, whatever they may be in terms of the law.

Pene Kimber's Story - continued...

Mr Clarke has been quoted as saying "Kimber has a malicious and personal vendetta against the school" and "Kimber orchestrated the arrests".

I have no vendetta against the school. All I want is justice after the brutal attack on my child. How can I orchestrate an arrest? I laid criminal charges, the justice system does the rest. I am appalled that a high school principal can come up with such an explanation.

Behaviour in schools is relatively easy to change. We can pass laws, we can do things to punish people when they do wrong. Attitudes are hard to change.

I want justice served and the right energy and structures put back into schools. These children are our future.

Pene Kimber

Suicide at 12

I don't have a long drawn out story - mine is about my son who, at age 12, committed suicide in 2002 because of a group of boys bullied him and his little friend at school. I told him to go and speak to the principal the next morning. Instead he bunked school and shot himself.

The pain of losing him will never go away for me, his mother. The boys are all around 20 years old today and have great lives. My son is gone forever. If you get bullied at school, do NOT let them get away with it. Take charge of your own life and pursue every avenue possible to stop them. You alone have the power over your own life - take it back.

Anonymous

No Fairy Tale

I am going to tell you a story much like a fairy tale because fairy tales all have a beautiful ending and this so does this one.

When we look back at our years at school we realize that there are some mistakes or past events we wish we had known how to handle. Today, many people ask me how a 25 year old girl can have gone through so much in her life and still be so strong, well, let me tell you.

In school I was never the most popular girl or the girl sitting by herself. I was the girl who participated in the sports; who made friends easily, yet when I needed friends most they were not there for me. It all started when I was selected to play for the ladies’ provincial waterpolo team when I was in grade 10. As always, the initiation was sometimes the best part or the worst. This was the worst. I did not drink alcohol. It was not who I was. I did not believe in peer pressure. I stood my ground yet was forced to take part in what the others were doing. I stood my ground and the next week I was persecuted by my fellow team members. They called me a loser and I was cut out of everything - all because I stood up for myself. I never gave up playing till the end of my school days because I was not going to let my team members see me as weak.

Every girl has that one boy in high school with whom she falls in love - the hottest boy in school - the popular boy. Our school was an all girls’ school. The highlight of our year was when the boys’ school would join us for one day. Girls would hike their dresses up, take out the make up and do their hair for this day. What we did not know was that the boys were planning something very different. Their plan involved scoring points and being the one to score the most points was the objective regardless of what the girls felt. The points were earned as follows: taking her to the Matric dance: 20 points; getting her to buy things for them: 10 points; losing her virginity: 30 points; ruining her life … priceless! You get my drift.

I was one of those girls who got “picked”. I was one of those girls who thought that this guy really did care. Yes I took him to my Matric dance. Yes I bought him things, and yes I almost let him ruin my life.

No Fairy Tale - continued...

It was a few months till my final examinations when I think this boy decided to get a heart and realized that he was going to hurt me and decided to break up with me. He won! I lost! That day my world ended! I could not see life beyond that day so I decided to try and take myself away from it all. All I had were prescribed pain tablets in my room so for each time he had said he cared or he loved me I took one. For every lie that came out, I took one. The tablets did not stop and my body started getting weak. I was rushed to hospital where I had to drink charcoal. Yes pure black charcoal! Gross!

For days after that I hibernated in my room whilst rumours spread round the school of what had happened and I was named “Physco”! I went back, faced the name calling and just wanted to get out of school. I was tired of those Brady Bunch girls (the popular girls) laughing at me and spreading more untrue rumours.

Life doesn’t stop because you are hurt. I travelled overseas and tried to rebuild myself somewhere else where nobody knew me but the truth is that no matter where you are, you can’t run away from yourself!

Two years went by and I thought life had thrown me enough curved balls but there were more lessons out there for me to learn.

There was this guy, let’s call him Christopher. He was a model, drove a nice car, was just that ‘perfect guy in the magazine’. He and I hit it off as friends but he was in love with someone who did not return the feelings. I stood by him so he could love me. As the months went on so I began to notice that he was changing as a person and I realized it was drugs that were changing him.

There was a choice I could have made and I made the wrong one. I stayed with him. Christopher came from a terrible family background. His mom was abused; his dad did drugs; his mom and dad went though a terrible divorce. He was a mess from that. He followed in his father’s footsteps. The abuse started 5 months into our relationship. First it was verbal but it then turned to physical abuse. I always thought he would stop or that I could change him and stop him taking drugs.

No Fairy Tale - continued...

The abuse would only happen when he took drugs or was coming down from taking drugs. When he was not on the dugs he was a good person. He treated me like a human being. People ask why I didn’t walk away. It was hard to leave because he would either threaten to hurt me more or he would beg me to stay. The abuse carried on for 4 months. Then one day it all ended. It was the final blow and I walked away.

Life has not been a bed of roses but we can learn from our mistakes. If I look back on all these different situations I realize they have all contributed to who I am today. I still see someone for help because there are moments that I get scared - of someone lifting their hand; or what people think of me, but there is a simple life lesson to this and this is what I learnt:
o At school you will always get those beautiful or “brady bunch” girls who will laugh at you or bad mouth you, but trust me, after school they are nothing. They are the ones who are being laughed at. They may mean a lot to you now but when you see them in 10 year’s time you will be surprised. Just picture those who are being nasty as older, plumper, with wrinkles and split ends!
o That hot boy at school won’t always be the dream boy, the Hollywood actor, he will however probably be overweight, a couch potato and bald! Don’t be the loser in his game!
Suicide: It’s not fair to those who you will be leaving behind. There is someone out there that thinks of you everyday and loves you. Start looking at the future and think about all the people you still need to meet and make friends with. You’ve got so much to live for. Play happy music. Dance.

Drugs: They are additive and change a person’s actions. If you are on drugs and fear that you are changing and don’t know what to do, speak to someone you trust. Speak out! If your friends or loved ones are on drugs get help! Don’t do it alone! They are only going to hurt you emotionally and physically. Get help! Speak out

No Fairy Tale - continued...

Abuse: It was hard to get out but you need to stand up for yourself! You may not be around the next day to get the help. You may love that person and fear them but you need to stand your ground. Take self defence classes. Speak out!

I only have a few good friends now but they are the ones that have stayed by me through it all. Life will carry on throwing obstacles my way but it is how I handle the obstacle first that makes it good or bad and now-a-days it’s only good.

All things pass. The best we can do is to really let them go.
Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts - and getting rid of certain memories but this also means making some room for better memories to take their place!

Anonymous

The brats with fat for brains

Published in the Sunday Times 14th June 1998 Reporter: Santosh Beharie

Laura is a slim teenager but she is being taunted because she was once plump. Now she has gone to the police

LAURA WHITEHEAD is not fat. But the 14-year-old has reported two girls to the police for making cruel jibes about her weight. Her nine-year nightmare began in Grade 1 when she suffered from a problem which caused her to bloat - and occasionally to loose control of her bladder. In Grade 2 she lost a kidney, which caused her to bloat further.

One of the bullies, who was in Laura's class at the time and now attends the same high school, has teased her ever since, calling her "fatty" or "stinky". The other girl, a 16-year-old, arrived at the school last year. Six months ago Laura tried to kill herself, but her sister saved her life.

Now Laura has said: enough. With the help of her mother she has made a complaint to the child protection unit, which is investigating charges of assault and crimen injuria against the girls.

Two years ago the plucky teenager with a shy smile decided that the only way to stop the teasing and to be accepted was to become slim. She would lock herself in her room and dance non-stop for hours. Today she fits comfortably into size eight hipsters and sports a navel ring on her taut stomach. At her school this week, Laura said her mother had told her not to speak to the press. But her best friend, Paula Weir, 15, said: "Laura's family thought she was going through a teenage thing. They felt she should just try to handle the teasing. They did not realise how seriously Laura had become affected by it.". "But Laura is a withdrawn person by nature who does not communicate easily with people. She had to live with this abuse since her first year in school when she was in the same class as the 14-year-old girl. Laura finally cracked when she attempted suicide six months ago. The doctors advised Laura to take Prozac after that and she still does," Weir said.

The brats with fat for brains - continued...

Paula said her friend had been miserable during her years at school and had become tired of people being nasty to her. "Her sister Melissa would drop her at school looking really pretty. She did this so that the other children would see that Laura would grow up to be pretty."Although she was never really fat, Laura would starve herself at times. "Since going to the police, Laura has taken up kickboxing to build her self-confidence and for self-defence. "She is also a good ballroom dancer," said Paula.

She said that although Laura's problems had started in primary school, they had become worse as she had grown older. "In senior primary and high school, Laura was constantly tripped from behind as she walked, she had her feet stood on and was even poked with a compass on several occasions. "She sometimes went home from school with bruises on her body." In high school the girls added "slut" and "whore" to their taunts, and claimed Laura had been sleeping around. Paula said: "A few weeks ago the 16-year-old told me that Laura was sleeping with my boyfriend. That's ridiculous because I know Laura has not slept with a guy yet. They even spread rumours that I have AIDS. "But I am strong. I refused to let them get to me. I always stood up for Laura when I could. But sometimes Laura was picked on in class when I was not around. We are in different classes.

"I remember when Laura's mother eventually went to the school last year and complained to a teacher that Laura was coming home with bruises and pricks," said Paula. "But nothing was done about it."

Just after Laura attempted suicide she began bunking school and was referred to the school psychologist. "But after the first session Laura went home and burst into tears. She told her mother that her school life was hell and that nobody took her seriously," said Paula. "That was the first time Laura opened up to her mum and told her everything. Laura told her mother that she refused to go back to school again. "That was a month ago and only as a last resort did Laura's mum decide to go to the police." Paula said the police had warned Laura that the taunting might become worse if they laid a complaint. "Laura believes that hundreds of other pupils go through this kind of harassment every day but are too scared to do anything about it. She said she refused to be a victim any more."

The brats with fat for brains - continued...

She said her friend wanted to meet President Nelson Mandela to prove to him she was not fat. "Laura knows how our President feels about the youth of South Africa," said Paula. "She wants people to know what is going on in our schools." She said that since going to the police, Laura's school marks had improved dramatically. Jan du Plessis, the principal of Laura's school, Boksburg High on the East Rand, said although he would have preferred to handle the problem internally, he would be happy if Laura's actions showed other children how much harm they could do. "Parents are not aware of the immense power of peer groups. Children go to great lengths to belong and fear being ostracised. Parents have to prepare their children for the real world before they start school. "Our school is keeping its distance in the matter because it is now being investigated by the police," he said.

Standing up to the school bullies
PSYCHOLOGISTS said this week the first signs of bullying which parents should watch out for was their child's refusal to go to school and the absence of a circle of school friends. can talk about the good and bad things they experience. "If a child is a victim of bullying he or she must remember not to keep quiet about it because bullies thrive on silence," said Connie Valkin, a clinical psychologist. "Bullies tend to keep away from children who are strong enough to retaliate or to seek help. Parents of victims must help their child look for their own solutions. They should never tell their children they should put up with bullies. "What Laura Whitehead has done is a very useful exercise because many young children have experienced what she has gone through. But seldom does a harassed child have the voice to do or say anything. "Victimised children generally don't take the kind of action that Laura has. Some end up dealing with this problem in therapy. Some carry the hurt all their lives." A psychologist, who did not want to be named, said: "The peer group is the most important socialising agent for an adolescent. Children learn more from their peers than from their parents."

The brats with fat for brains - continued...

'Always hold your head up high, young lady'
People who were victims of schoolyard bullies spoke out this week in support of laura whitehead. Other victims of bullying spoke this week about their nightmare of being obese school children often driven to violence to protect themselves. Mike Schutte, 47 - a former South African wrestling and boxing champion who weighed 120kg at the age of 15 - said many boys at school picked on him because he was fat. "They called me 'fatty' and other names and thought I could not catch them because I was slow. "But they made a big mistake. When I hit those boys they knew about it and left me alone." Schutte's advice to Laura is to believe in God and not let bullies get to her.

The founder of the diet company Weigh-Less, Mary Holroyd, 52, weighed 100kg at the age of 20 but now weighs 52kg. She said her parents played a big role in her life. "They always made me feel I was the best, no matter what. We have to educate people and make them believe that fat people also have feelings. "Being overweight can make you miserable and mentally and physically ill. "As a fat person, I was never really happy. I felt inferior and it affected my entire life. "I was always chubby, but I wasn't aware of it until I was a teenager. Other girls had more boyfriends and better social lives. I competed by drawing attention away from my body. I dyed my hair, wore bright lipstick, developed my personality - and still felt inferior. "I was called Podgy and it hurt. But I eventually took charge of my destiny and Laura must do the same. Always hold your head up high, young lady," she said.

Reformed Durban fraudster Abdool Akoo, 40, who could not be sent to jail last year because he was too fat to fit in a cell, has some advice for Laura. She should have done so a long time ago. People don't choose how they are born. "Laura must remain courageous and gain self-confidence," said Akoo. "I know what being teased can do to one's self esteem."

Santosh Beharie